Running up that road, running up that hill with erm… well.

“If I only could, I’d make a deal with God.” Says Kate Bush. Well, god wasn’t available so I made a deal with myself instead.

Anyone who knows me knows that I run. Nothing more serious than a weekly 5k parkrun, I’m no Steve Cram. But some weekdays I take myself for a 10k circle round the streets. Now I live on the middle of a hill so whichever direction I choose to run, I will be tackling a hill at the start and finish.

For this morning’s run, I took myself up the hill knowing that 45 minutes later, my round trip will bring me back to the bottom. So I spend the run making deals with myself. If I take that turning, adding another 5 minutes, I’ll let myself stop at the bottom of the hill and walk up.

As I got closer to the finish, I considered this hill. Over the years, I’ve run up it loads of times but lately it’s taken on a reputation for being unconquerable.

Fine, I say. Phil, if you don’t WANT to do it, don’t do it. There are no ‘have tos’. But if you’re avoiding it because you’re scared, what else are you going to avoid out of fear if we don’t break that habit now?

 

I’m currently working with a TV script editor, writing a trial script, hoping to prove myself good enough to get hired. An actual proper TV writing gig. This is what I’ve been working towards for years, a culmination of hard work, determination. A big scary hill to run up.

Last week, I had to submit my first assignment and I was scared, almost to the point of paralysis. Sitting on things, putting it off. Maybe somehow if I kept putting it off, I wouldn’t fail. Insane, irrational, ridiculous.

Stupid thing was, as with my morning hill, I’d been here before. Every writing assignment, every script submission, every pitch is a big scary hill to run up. What am I going to do? Give up and not go home ever again? Walk and let opportunity run past me?

It wasn’t fast but it was determined, it was the best I could do and yes, I collapsed in a breathless heap when I reached my front door. But I ran it.

And the TV gig? Of course, I got it finished and sent it off, still feeling the fear. And I got notes back quicker than I expected, good helpful, encouraging notes. The next hill is still scary but I know it can be done.

Now, as I guzzle water and stare out of my window at the other runners going by, I know their grit, see their determination, I feel able to cheer them on.

So what’s your scary hill today?